Talladega

So I haven’t written in a while and now I have a perfect opportunity to write about something neutral to me. It’s a safe topic that may ease me right back into blogging as I will have to start back next month anyway. This weekend, I took my family to Talladega Superspeedway to experience the Aarons 449. Notice that I carefully chose the word experience rather than watch.  It truly was an experience in every sense of the word! I would really like to keep this relatively short. I would like to just name a few things that I learned on this fun filled weekend.

1.       Everyone is welcome here at Talladega. Everyone from all walks of life. Absolutely No discrimination. Everyone feels the love. Everyone.

2.       Do NOT wear Nascar Driver apparel unless you are prepared for some strange conversations with random people that can become extremely uncomfortable, especially when alcohol is involved.

3.       Everyone should experience this at least once in their life. There are no words to describe the smells, sights, sounds, and the rumble in your chest you feel every time the cars fly by.

4.       No matter how much water you carry in, it will not be enough.

5.       People will consume more alcohol than you may imagine.

6.       I have more respect for the drivers than ever before. This is a hard hot job.

7.       There is no such thing as personal space there, people are all over you. Carry germ-x and get over it.

8.       Take toilet paper to the porta johns.

9.       Most of the people you see will not be wearing enough clothes.

10.   It was the most amazing experience for me, very exciting. Invigorating. Encouraging.

11.   You will cheer for people you have never heard of.

12.   The spirit in the stands is contagious.

13.   IT was priceless. Hopefully we can go every year.

I grew up on NASCAR; it’s just what we did. If it wasn’t on tv, we listened to it on the radio. You picked a driver and went with it. There are no descriptive words that can make you understand or appreciate the track and the race. You just have to go. And then you will want to go back.

Until next time………aj

Sunday Superbowl

I swear I think these Sundays roll around faster and faster! Another week has passed us right by. Super busy week at the clinic, which was amazing! Friday was spent with my love and preparing for the big party yesterday to celebrate Candi's bday. She left me some pretty big shoes to fill. Ones actually that I never will fill and that is ok, we are all unique in our own way. Created special in the image of God. So the final IUI was not a success and the next option is IVF. Hubs is excited about a new adventure and I (of course) am scared, worried, and as always, indecisive. I bet he would say that I am the most indecisive person he knows. That is one of several qualities about myself I wish I could change. I wish that I knew without a shadow of a doubt what I wanted and how I wanted to go about getting it. But instead, I question not my desires but the means in which to obtain them. What if I wished I would have done something different or waited for something else?? I can what if myself to death! So, needless to say much prayer and loving conversation will take place before we venture this IVF journey. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would even have to consider the thought IVF and now it is quickly creeping into my reality. Trusting God to lead us in the right direction, we will press on. Just for kicks, the fertility concern and the burning desire isn't all that is going on with us! We are busy with local missions in the church. Clinic is going great, however, they did just cut our pay back for 2 months. Talk about scary...... Again I say, trusting God every step of the way, we press on......I encourage you to do the same.


Til next time,
jo

Contentment

Hello Sunday! Today has been fairly routine; breakfast, church, dinner, dropping guest children off, and now lounging. This routine, mind you , I have come to be thankful for. It's comfortable, it's familiar, and it's comforting. I remember back to last week when I didn't really have much on my heart yet, I penned hundreds of words that I hope were not too dreadful for the ones that read it. Today I come to this blank page with quite a bit on my heart. But what exactly, I can't say for sure. I am moving through the book I told you about, "The Resolution for Women", and boy has it opened my eyes about so many things. Mainly about contentment. I am learning to be content with what God has provided me as well as what he has not. If you have read anything I have written, it is quite obvious that the one and only thing that I desire that God has yet provided to be is to conceive and bear a child. I am learning to live with this in contentment. It is a delicate balance that has seemed to be kept secret as most of the world live in discontentment focusing on the things in this life that they do not have. I am determined to master this; to live and enjoy the moment, day, season that God has me in currently. Careful not to look to the future with such anticipation that I miss what God has for me today. It is definitely possible to focus on what we don't have to the point that we miss the enjoyment in front of us today! My children will not be this age forever, my husband and I will not be in this decade much longer. My oldest son will soon be driving, which means EVERYTHING changes. I have also learned that being content with what God has provided or not provided for you does not mean giving up on your hopes & dreams, whatever they may be. It is about finding a healthy balance between enjoying what is and anticipating what is to come. Its about making your dreams and expectations take an appropriate seat on your bus, not allowing them to boss you around and control your thoughts. To not allow your expectations and anticipation to rob you from the gratitude of what you have been given, leaving you unable to enjoy this, because He hasn't seen fit to give you that. God supplies our every need. EVERY NEED!! So, look around ya, if you don't have it , whatever it is, you don't need it or the time has not yet come. You can trust Him on this with full confidence, sight unseen. Sounds simple, yet it is so difficult for many to just accept it as that. Maybe that is precisely why it says in the word of God : "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3). I have noticed as I look back over my blog that the focus has changed. God's work is evident all around us........ take it in, open your eyes, your ears, your heart, your soul.......it's all around us.

until next week,
jo

p.s. my husband watches mindless television as I pound this keyboard. If he reads my pitiful blogs, he usually can't recall them. I love him with every fiber of my being, this is simply a test :) :)

Who is Boss

So, I am plowing right though my Sunday as usual. Breakfast cooked, laundry started, Church was amazing, Dinner done, more laundry, and then it hits me: Sunday is my blog day!! Ahhhhh, I don't have anything pressing on my heart today but I will keep my commitment to write weekly so I don't get too far behind. This past week breezed right by and I realize that we are in the middle of January! Only two more weeks until the month of Feburary sneaks on in! The Lord continues to speak to my heart and groom my spirit. Honestly, I pray He never stops. He constantly reminds me that He is always with me and always knowing of my thoughts and concerns. ALWAYS. That is so important to me (He knows that too!) Through my Bible study and devotional He reminds me often just what I need to know. One day this week it was to remind me that He is leading me along the "high road". Not only did He approve the path before me, He designed it! I have one simple assignment: to follow Him, allowing Him to direct me on this path, step by step. I am learning to trust Him when things go "wrong". Disruptions to my routine highlight my dependence on Him. Trusting acceptance of trials brings blessings that far outweigh them all (2 Corinthians 4:17). Trust does not falter when the path becomes rocky and steep. I think my favorite lesson this week was titled "Approach this day with awareness of Who is Boss". Wow. Talking about hitting the nail on the head. Impatience comes natural to me as I would imagine it does to most people. Its human nature. A constant struggle. Not only do we want our way, we want it NOW. And how do we act and feel when we don't get our way? Not pretty is it? So, I am reminded that The Lord Almighty is Boss. He is in Devine control of the universe and I have asked Him (more than once) to be in control of my life and my family. To lead us in the direction He would have us to go. For His will for our family and our dreams of expanding it. I trust Him completely in every aspect of my life. I cannot comprehend how much He loves me, how could I not trust Him? Well,  in my opinion this trust doesn't come naturally. Especially when bad things happen to good people. It is a learned trust.  I am desperately trying each and every day to be closer to my heavenly Father. I just purchased a book to read: The Resolution for Women. I am so excited to read it and hopefully it will draw me even closer to Him. When I get discouraged in my journey to conceive and bear a child (which is often but improving), I try to remember the big picture. I mean the REALLY big picture. Satan roaming the Earth back and forth looking for one to devour and the Lords heavenly host constantly in spiritual warfare over our very souls. Although in my very own little tiny world this is such an enormous deal, in the really big picture, its really not about me and what I want at all. It's about sharing Jesus and the love of God with others. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe the Lord is concerned with every detail of our lives, our hearts, and the desires therein hence the beginning of this blog where He speaks to me daily to keep me on the path He has set before me. I am prone to wander.........

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

jo

Lessons from the Father

I wanted to share some lessons with you that I have learned from my Father over the past week. One of the biggest things that God revealed to me was about my faith. Most people tell you to “have faith” and you will get what you ask for. “Honey, you just gotta believe.” “Keep the faith”. You hear this constantly and I hear it all the time in relation to our difficulty conceiving a child. “It will happen when it is time” or “just stop worrying about it and it will happen”. People mean well, but in all honesty, it can make a woman bitter. Especially if this is coming from someone who pops babies out like they run a baby factory. I mean really, it’s easy to say these things when everything is peachy keen in your world. In the midst of the storm, though, that is one’s true colors really shine. Storms and valleys in this life are necessary though, for how else could we appreciate standing tall on top of the mountain or the warmth of the sun shining on our face? I would dare say that the storms and valleys make and mold us to be who we are. Anyone can be happy and satisfied when all things are going according to planned. That’s easy. Ok, I got sidetracked. Back to faith; my faith. I learned that faith is not positive thinking. It’s not looking on the bright side. God is no respecter of persons (see 2 Chronicles 19:7). He has given to every man a measure of faith (see Romans 12:3). When we present our requests to God; when we give Him the desires of our heart, if it’s our request that we have faith in, and our request is denied, then we are left disappointed. BUT if it’s God that our faith is in, we are NEVER disappointed. We must trust Him, this is essential to our faith. We should thank Him for the answers that He has set into motion long before we can discern the results. When our requests come to mind again, we should continue to thank Him for the answers that are one the way. If we continue to just state our requests, we will live in a state of tension, focusing on the outcome of our desires. We do not know what lies in this journey ahead of us here on earth and nor will God show us what is on the road that stretches out before us. He will however, adequately equip us with everything we need. Of course we would feel more prepared if we could see a map of all the twists and turns that lie ahead. I have also learned that this journey is not about how we feel but what we KNOW. Emotions are human and will lead us astray if we aren’t careful. We must trust that God approved every twist and every turn that lay in wait for us. He equips us with a guide through His word and strength through His Holy Spirit. We can rest assured that we have everything we need. The resources are there, we must access them. When we decide on a course of action that is in line with His will, nothing in Heaven or Earth can stop us! We may encounter obstacles as we move toward our goal, but we must try not to become discouraged. We can overcome these obstacles with His help. Much stress results from us wanting to make things happen before their time has come. God asserts His sovereignty through the timing of events. We see this repeatedly through the events depicted in His word. I encourage you today; whatever your course, no matter the obstacles, stay close to God and let Him set the pace. I remind myself to slow down and enjoy this journey in His presence. After all, He designed the journey with me in mind. He designed yours too, with only you in mind.

-Check your faith - what is it in?

-Trust His timing

-Access the resources He provided

God Speaks

My how quickly another Sunday has rolled along. These weeks of 2012 are flying by already. The stores can't sell the Christmas left-overs and already we see Valentine candy and Easter eggs on the shelves. As I spend time in my Bible, I often mark when I am reading something and what I am praying about at that time. I am amazed at what God has brought me through and how He has taught me and made sure that I am growing through His purposes. I have grown so much, I can barely recognize what used to consume my thoughts and create worry for me. So, God is working on my soul in remarkable ways these past weeks. He speaks to me through undeniable ways. He removes ALL doubt that He is speaking directly to me. This will be very difficult for me to put into words but I will try my best. The Lord seems to be singling me out through His very gentle ways. Instead of screaming as we do to get someone’s attention, He gently drops a soft feather so that it lands perfectly on my nose every time. Through music, radio, sermons, devotions, group meetings and even dreams, He makes it clear He has been speaking to me. Infertility consumes my thoughts and I constantly have to turn those thoughts over to the Lord. At our women’s ministry we completed an activity where we identified our hindrances and created a plan to eliminate them. This was to make us a more effective Christian. One of my hindrances is worry. Each morning, before I get out of bed (literally), I hand my worry about infertility over to God. I place it with Him daily and throughout the day I try my best to focus on Him and allow Him to direct my Paths. One of the most interesting things God has done for me over the past few weeks is confirming His will for my life. I have asked Him in the past to remove the desire from my heart for a child if this was not in His will for my life, because at the end of the day, His will is what I desire more than ANYTHING. So I got real with God and said, “Seriously, if this is not what you would have for me, can You please remove this burning desire from my heart for a child. I can accept it God and move on.” He answered with a fiery, searing, undeniable desire that burns even deeper in my heart and soul. Ok, I say, I hear You loud and clear. We will have a child. That is good enough for me. When and how, I can leave up to You. With His strength of course, none of this could I do on my own.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you, In God, whose work I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid, what can mortal man do to me?” Psalm 56:3-4

IUI #2 : FAIL - EPIC FAIL

So, it's Sunday night, and just as I promised here I am sitting on my couch writing this blog. Not really feeling it, but I couldn't miss the first opportunity to meet my goal! This month was our 2nd IUI and four days ago, we realized it failed. AF was definately relentless on me this time. Physically and emotionally, she showed her true colors. She goes a little over board if you ask me. But as we just came to the realization that this would not be the month that we conceive our precious child that we desire so passionately, God knew it all along. He is in control of absolutely everything. in that, we can find comfort. I have been trying my very best to be closer to God each day this year. So far, so good! It is wonderful to feel His ever present presence and the peace that only He can provide. We were reminded in church this morning that Satan roams over the earth looking for weak ones to devour. It is in my weakness that I can fully understand just how much I need my Savior. If I was strong and self suficient, what place would God have in my life? He made us to be dependent on Him! He wants to help us, He wants us to seek Him. In my strenuous journey of infertility, the one thing that I never fail to do is cry out to God. It's not always sweet words of adoration mind you. Between the fertility drugs and the raging hormones, sometimes our conversations are nothing less than pitiful. It's easy to have a pity party every month when you are let down. Especially when you are surrounded by people passing out pregancy announcements like girl scout cookies. Everybody but you. That is so frustrating. It seems to be getting better with time. I no longer want to strangle them, just smack em. Hard. I remind myself of all the women in the Bible who struggled with infertility. John and Elizabeth are my favorite. I like to call her Liz. Then there is Sara......God bless Sara. So back to what we were reminded about in church this morning. Satan knows us better than we know our selves. He follows us, taking notes. He wants us to believe his sleezy little lies that he whispers in our ear during our weakest moments. He wants us to believe that we aren't good enough to deserve God's blessing. That I don't deserve to conceive and bear a child. Well, you know what I say to that? You are exactly right Satan. I do not deserve God's blessing, actually I never will. Isaiah 54 says that our righteousness is as filthy rags and Paul said in  Romans that there is not one that is righteous, not one. So see, Satan is right on that, I will never be deserving of God's blessings, taht is why we have His grace and is unconditional love. God WANTS me to have the desires of my heart and He WANTS me to have whats best for me. His word tells us in Jeremiah that He has special plans for our life. Plans for me to prosper!! So, Satan can go somewhere else with that story! I'm sure he has a plan B for me and equipped with the Word of God and the Holy Spirit in my heart, The Lord and I can handle it. Together, that is the key. The lesson I learned this month while wallowing in my self pity is that this battle is too big for me. Finally, I surrendered to God. I gave up and gave it to God. I won't quit trying mind you. I will simply go to the specialist and do what they say. No more calling the shots, no more worrying, no more google searches. I finally gave my battle to God!!  Now, let me tell you that this is a daily task for me. You see, when I wake up, getting pregnant is the first thing I think about. So, I have to say "good morning Lord, here you go this belongs to you today, please give me the strength not to take it back. Thank you for loving me enough to take it, for you already know the outcome. The battle is already won. Amen." This seems like a bunch of meaningless drivel once I poured it all out and for that I do sincerely apologize. Please know that I have so much to be thankful for and I truly am grateful for all that God has blessed me with. If this blog blesses just one person, my mission is accomplished. If not, maybe my grandchildren will know a little more about me when I'm gone. I should give the much needed credit to my devoted husband. How he deals with the mood swings, fits of rage, disappointments, and moments of envy I may never know. He is steadfast though, holding my hand, hugging me tight, and listening with that loving concern in his eye. Lord knew I would need him by my side to enjoy the good times and endure the bad. That is what best friends do. So thankful God saw that I married mine.....

I encourage you whatever, your battle, you are not facing it alone today. As Ephesians 6 tells us, put on the armor of God as you enter the battle. Do not give up! Fight the good fight and finish the race! just remeber that we cannot depend on our on strength!

jo

A New Year: A New Beginning

January 1, 2012. What a better day to get back on track with blogging than the first day of a brand spanking New Year, right? I mean this dude is only 6 hours old and still has a shine on it!! To my defense, I am also writing a book. Yep, a book. Of course it will never be published but maybe my grandchildren will one day read the sweet and precious story of what God did for their grandfather and I. I also realize that is also known as a “jug o milk”. What is a jug o milk? Well, my friend, I am so glad you asked! I once knew someone who called excuses a Jug Of Milk because one was no better than the other. The story was when a preacher came to this guys house to invite him to church, he politely declined because he had a jug of milk in the fridge. The preacher was baffled as he didn’t understand what the milk in the fridge had to do with the guy not being able to come to church. After all, we all have milk in the fridge right? When he asked the guy what in the world he meant, he simply replied “I aint comin and I figured any excuse is as good as another”. So, it is what it is, no matter what the reason. An excuse is just a jug o milk, they’re all the same. Ok, so that was totally just rambling, but at the end of the day this is my blog!! So, with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years behind us, we move forward. Pressing ahead towards the goal. This is the time of year everyone makes promises to themselves and to each other that they usually don’t keep. Everyone is boxing up the old year and ready to start a new one. I love the first day of a new year. But keep in mind that I am weird, very weird. Just ask my husband! The morning is my absolute favorite part of the day. It’s a fresh beginning. A chance to do better than I did yesterday, and I haven’t screwed it up yet! I love watching the world wake up. I love all of the year in reviews that the magazines and news channels do. I love looking back over the year as a whole. There are often things I had forgotten about. I know that because the Lord is all knowing the year 2012 that we face is not a blank page to be written. For I know that He knows everything that will happen and every decision we will make. However, because of our very limited knowledge and understanding, he can only reveal this year to us one moment at a time. Oh, to only know if this is the year for me. To get pregnant of course. Oh what a joy that would be. So 2011 has brought so much to us as a family. I couldn’t record it all if I tried. Our family farm got off the ground, not far mind you but off the ground. And landed again. I graduated after many nights of tears and worry, it’s over. Then I passed the National Boards. Good grief that was tough. I made many new friends this year and caught my biggest fish! I got to see both boys play football on the same field! I landed the dream job that I have always wanted. I mean always. I am doing what I wanted to do when I was 13 years old. How many people can say that?

So, I realize this is a little long, but one of my many goals of this year is to blog every Sunday. So, as I sit here in the dark with the light of my Christmas tree, that will be disassembled and boxed up for another year tomorrow, I ponder on many things. The most important goal I have this year is to be closer to Christ, my Savior. To be ever aware of His presence. I want to stop comparing my life to others. I love every little thing about my life, so really the only thing I ever envy of others is pregnancy and the miraculous birth of a beautiful baby. I never would have dreamed that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Not in a million years. But here I am.  Four years of trying and here I am.  I don’t know what God holds in store for us there, but what I do know is that I trust Him. I know for a fact that He would have nothing less than the best for His children. And I am a child of God!! I know this about Him because His word tells us so. I want to take it all in this year. Every day, I just want to soak in Gods goodness. Just wallow around full of laughter in what He has so freely given us. You see, Satan never takes a holiday. He never calls in sick. He is always roaming this Earth. He would rather us focus on what we want that we don’t have. He wants to plant greed and envy in your heart. And mine too. Always aware of this we can be victorious and cast him out in the name above all names…. Jesus!! I will take every day for what it is worth. I don’t want to be caught up in the busyness that the world has to offer but diligently prepared to enjoy every moment God has blessed me with. There are special days that are months away that I have already begun to deliberately prepare for. Preparation simply keeps me from getting caught running around at the last minute like a mad woman. I can’t enjoy it like that. It also tells the people that are involved just how much this means to me. I have already started making plans for my sons’ mother’s birthday in February. That is a special day, and I will see to it that they realize that. My sons’ mother. Sounds weird I’m sure. If you haven’t gone far enough back in my blog to know, she was killed in a car accident almost 5 years ago. I married their father who is my very best friend and soul mate. I am trying to help raise them the best I know how. Never have been a mother so sometimes I feel blind but I love those guys just like I birthed em and they are my sons. I long to know the feeling of being pregnant and hearing the words…..”she looks just like you”. But even that is expected, right? I mean after all, the Word tells us in Proverbs that a barren womb is never satisfied. I do however realized how blessed I am and how incredibly selfish it is to want much less ask for more.

So, as unorganized and scattered as that was, it is a blog entry nonetheless! I hope you have set goals for yourself this year. Goals that are attainable.  And I pray that you accomplish great things and chase your dreams. I pray that you conquer your fears. I pray that you rely on the strength of Christ instead of your own. I pray that when you fall down (we all do) that you dust yourself off and try again. And again.  I pray that you share the love of Christ with others. I aim to focus more on Christ and less on myself. Every morning this is how I will start my day, focusing on Him. This is going to be an incredible year folks. Look around you, take it all in. Every day, every moment, take it in. Cherish it. Embrace it. Love it. Live it. That way you will love to remember it.

See you in 7 days…….jo

QUIET

I've been pretty quiet lately only because I have been SLAMMED during these weeks of Christmas!! Please bear with me......blog coming soon...... :)

Worship while I'm waiting

I don't really feel like writing today, but I thought for some odd reason someone out there, somewhere may be intrested. Not likely, but what the hec.So be warned, this post isn't all cupcakes and rainbows. Maybe my grandchildren if no one else, will look back on this and see a little peice of who I was. So, we are 11 days out on our IUI. Been fighting a nasty cold all week and refuse to take anything in hope that there just may be a little one in there......or more. Haven't slept much at all due to the coughing and congestion. Fever off and on during the day at the clinic. I spent most of the week analizing, agonizing, and comparing every symptom I thought I might have to the millions of others who are ttc that post to discussion boards on line. About Wednesday, I decided that my focus was in the wrong place. I had taken my focus off of Him. This is not like me, the thought and desire of becoming pregnant was literally consuming me. Now, with my focus redirected appropriately, I am focused hard on my Saviour Jesus Christ and His loving will for my life. I have such a perfect peace. The days still seem to be dragging by but I beleive that is nothing more than human nature and we can only do so much about the natural way our bodies function. Hubby talked me into doing a home preg test this am and it was negative. Of course it's too early to show up but he was so hopeful. Yes, emotionally it was hard to look at another neg preg test, but I'm holding out......for a positive test? Nope, for His will. That is the take home message He keeps whispering in my ear. I want His will for my life. Do I want to be pregnant so badly? Of course. Do I dream of giving birth, and the first moment I lay my eyes on my child, and the first time I lay them to by chest? Absolutely! Have I given up hope? Absolutely not. Just trusting His will and mine will be in line. That is what the relationship with Him is all about. Terrible headache today, so I'm signing off for now. Hopefully, in a few days, I will have some VERY exciting news to share with you. Until then, aj 

What?!? 2dpIUI!!!

So, on Monday, the day after I got my +OPK, I called the doctor's office just like they told me to and low and behold they put this sweet nurse on the phone. I won't share her name with you but I will forever remember it. I tell her about my long awaited +test and she seems excited and proceeds to schedule me for the IUI that day. Then, for some stupid reason I tell her that the + came on my 2pm urine and it was essentially neg that morning. ( I say essentially b/c these things are not exactly user friendly, if you have ever used a OPK, you know exactly what I'm talking about. ) So then........she wants to schedule it for Tuesday morning b/c "technically" if the + test occurs after the morning urine, it counts for the next day. You have got to be kidding me. Nope. She wasn't kidding me, not even a little bit. So at this point, I close by office door because when I get anxious, my voice gets a little higher and I don't particularly want my staff hearing the details of my ovulation cycle.....So, as my heart sets up camp in the back of my throat, I begin to "share" with her my concerns. Telling her my symptoms of egg white cervical mucus, ovarian tenderness, and bloating and the fear of waiting too long to do the IUI. She seems pretty understanding and tells me to just come on in at 1pm. Many of my neighbors in the ttc community can relate to me when I refer to overanalyzing EVERYTHING. So, I tell my medical director that I need to leave at 11am for a procedure. He asked no questions (thankfully) and gave me the green light. So off we go, the very thing I begged to God for has finally arrived. Sy sweet hubby goes and provides his sample that I called the "team" so dutifully and they went through their preparation "wash". Seriously. 45 minutes later, that same sweet nurse whose name I will never forget, calls me to the back. She directs us to a very small room and instructs me to remove my bottoms and have a seat on the table. Although, I have never had this particular procedure done, I've had my share of pap smears, so I get the gist. And there we wait. Not long though and here she comes back and I assume the position. My sweet hubby at my side, holding my hand she begins the process. It really didn't hurt, just uncomfortable to the point I told her that some relaxing music would probably help. And maybe dim the lights. I'm sure she added that to her suggestion box. (insert sarcasm) She then proceeded to tell me not to worry, this works on nervous people all the time. And just like that, it was done. The team was put into position and we wait for them to do their thing. She elevates my pelvis, and tells me to relax for at least 10 minutes. She brings me an order for blood work and tells me that I can have it drawn anywhere I like so we don't have to drive two hrs just for labs. She leaves and doesn't come back. 25 minutes later and a devoted prayer later, we decide it is indeed ok to get up and leave. Walking ever so gently, as not to disturb the activity I carefully walk to to the truck. We make it home and add more team members to the party that night - ever so gently I might add. More prayers said. All day Tuesday, I feel so calm and relaxed, I check to see if I have a pulse as I am writing prescriptions for my poor ill patitents. Cramps and tenderness all day. Didn't sleep that well that night and at some point I remember feeling like someone thumped by left ovary. Like really, it woke me up. So, all day today I have been beating myself up thinking and rethinking the timeline of this whole ordeal wondering if I screwed the whole thing up by being impatient. I think what if I didn't release the egg until last night, and the team have left the camp. Not many symptoms today. Pretty much, everything feels normal. It would certainly make this process easier if they would look for follicles with an ultrasound. At any rate, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we have more to be thankful for than we could ever imagine or express. 4 days til blood work and 10 til any possibility of knowing if we were successful. At the end of the day, I carry peace in my heart knowing God is in control and no matter how bad I screw it up, He's got my back. He knows the birthday of my child that hasn't even been conceived yet. He knows what is best, I have asked Him for that and now I trust Him. Every day is hard, don't get me wrong, but at the end of the day, I hold onto that peace and lean on Him for strength. I know He has heard my pleading prayer as I express to Him the yearning desire burning deep within my soul to carry a child in my womb and raise them to know and love the Lord. I think I feel better now, having said all that. If you made it this far, I am sorry, for I am pretty certain it was pure torture. Thanks for reading and I ask your prayers. Until next time, love one another,
amy jo

Finally 8 days later: +OPK

YAY!!!! Finally, after 8 days of testing, we get a positive ovulation test!! Just when I was thinking we might have missed it. So, to add some flare to this post I guess I could fill you in on the details around the event. Of course I am on an emotional roller coaster and swallowing back tears all morning as I read blogs about others' experiences. I panic as I learn that I haven't been testing with the most effecticve method. I had only been using my morning urine and not testing any other time of the day. As I read, I realize that the morning urine is not the best indeed and they encourage testing throughout the day. I realize this at the same time I realize that I just used my last OPK. My heart rate goes through the roof. I live in the middle of nowhere. Literally. No OPK for 45 miles. And the championship race is on. He would do it, no doubt, but that would be like asking hubby to leave during the superbowl. So, I turn my house upside down looking for left over kits. I KNOW there are some here somewhere. Low and behold, I found em :) :).  So the test this am showed Negative. 2pm test positive. Are you serious???!!! Are you kidding me??!!! I ran and got hubby becuase at this point you would think I had a positive pregnancy test. Then I look at the expiration date and it's past. UGH. I take another one......positive. SERIOUSLY??!! This is IT??!! So I am still not satisfied and at this point I have totally interrupted my hubby's Nascar haven. He is so understanding and we find yet another test, apart from this box i found and it expired after the ones that I got positives with. Hubby did this one, "for once and for all". This is it he says, you should be satisfied with this one. He takes me out of the bathroom and to the bed and just holds me tight. Real tight. Three sweet moments pass and he jumps up and dashes to the bathroom with me close behind. He grabs the test and won't let me see it. After a loving struggle, I see it. TWO lines the same darkness. This is it!!!! So, I get the phone to call the doctor like they told me to to schedule the IUI. Who cares that it's Sunday right? Well, apparently they do. The answering service answered the phone and told me very politely that unless I needed the doctor today, I should call back in the morning during usual business hours. Are you kidding me. Nope, she wasn't kidding. So, I begin texting my two prayer warriors as well as others who are keeping up with my cycle and struggle to concieve a child. Oh, how I want that soooo bad. So, back to the blogging forums again this time about expired OPKs which apparently do not stop working after the little date printed on the package. Whew. Can we get on with this now?? EWCM and mittelschmerz right on time. This is the real deal. Thanking God for answered prayers and thanking Him that it wasn't positive yesterday. I would have surely experienced a melt down if I would have gotten the answering service yesterday.......Lord knows that would have been bad. Praying for God's will and strength. He knows I need it. Thanks again for following our little story. Hopefully our family is about to get bigger :) ;) In Christ, amy jo

Waiting patiently

Well, considering that I am now writing on Day Five of my Spiritual Journey I guess it's needeless to say I didn't meet my goal of penning my thoughts and feelings everyday. I was at the clinic by myself and I was swamped every day. I feel certain this was the Lord's way of keeping my thoughts otherwise occupied. I started each day with scripture and prayer time which made a BIG difference. I also had floods of encouraging text messages and prayers from my prayer warriors to encourage me. I have an incredible support system I like to call my cheer squad. I literally worked so hard, there was little time to think about it all much less worry about it. Then I came home so tired, I really believe I was too exhauseted to worry. I went to bed every night with visions of two dark lines in the morning to give me the green light to go make a baby. And every morning so far, I have been greeted with that one lonely solitary line on my ovulation kits. The new medication is going well, I certainly hope it's working. I know and believe in my heart that my time is surely coming. My time to shine. My time to see a positive pregnancy test and share my joy with the world. My time to feel my body changing and to be greeted by nausea every morning. I believe the Lord gives us the desires of our hearts, yet I have also pleaded with Him to bless my family with His will for our lives. Despite my desires, His will is best. I believe this with everything I have. God is gonna bless me with a baby, I just don't know when. What I do know, is His time is PERFECT. I am ecstatic to live this out because I am certain He is going to blow my mind. :) Thanks for stopping by. I pray that you will be blessed.

Blind sided

So, the first day of my Spriritual journey did not go quite as well as I had hoped. I should have remembered that when you put on the full armor of God, you might as well know that Satan will be giving it his best shot. How could I have over looked that??!! So armed with a sure faith and sheer determination not to worry myself silly over the details of this week and the next two, I headed for the clinic. I needed a busy day and boy a busy day it was! After lunch, I received a phone call from the specialist with my lab results. I gotta admit, I never saw this one coming. So my TSH and FSH were WNL which is awesome news!! My prolactin level, however, was elevated. My emotions went in to a tail spin. Is this a bad thing? Os tjos a gppd thing, easily fixed? I am not really certain of all the details in which this affects fertility, so I hit the internet as soon as I got home from clinic. Still fuzzy on the meaning of having an elevated prolactin level and what that means for this week's IUI. The nurse ensured me that I should proceed with daily OPK at home and with the IUI this week as well. I will start Cabergoline tomorrow to bring my prolactin levels down. The burning question in my mind right now is has this been the problem the whole time of ttc? AND what does this mean for the IUI this week? I took my last dose of Femara this evening, so I am praying for ovulation and successful IUI!!! DH has been so supportive and I am so thankful for him. I pray tomorrow I will be a little more stable emotionally. Another busy day at the clinic should distract me nonetheless. Thanks for following me on this journey. I pray this evening you are well.

The beginning of a new Journey; Prayerful, not Anxious

On my last post, I spoke of the plans that the Lord has for us. Plans to prosper and not harm you, to give you hope and a future. That is found in Jeremiah 29:11 in the precious word of our Lord. I find great comfort in that scripture as we begin a new leg in our journey to expand our family. We have two precious boys that are 15 and 12. They became mine four years ago when they lost their mother in a tragic car accident. I married their father and I couldn't love theses guys any more if I birthed them myself. That is a gift that was given to me by my precious mother when she took me on when she married my father; I was 2 yrs old. We were a package deal, my daddy and me. My momma loves me just the same as my brothers that she birthed. You would never know the difference. Little did I know, this was our amazing Lord and Saviour preparing me for motherhoood in such a special and unique way. So the burning desire rooted deep within my soul to become pregnant and have a child continues to grow with each passing day. We have been trying to conceive for 3 1/2 years and taken fertility drugs galore. God just keeps saying "not yet, Amy jo" and I keep asking. Since so much time has passed, I have several times now asked the Lord to remove the desire from my heart if this isn't His will for our lives. Each morning, I rise and it is still ever present and increasing. I believe with all that I am that a baby is indeed in God's will for our family. When and how is for us to live out and experience. I know and also believe there is a purpose in it all. So this past week, we met with a fertility specialist who told us what we already know - that we have "unexplained infertility". In other words, you can't get pregnant and we don't know why. So his plan is to start me on Femara. I will take my 4th dose today and my final dose tomorrow. I diligently pray as I swallow each pill.The coming week holds unforeseen excitement as we anticipate our very first IUI (intrauterine insemination)! I am so nervous and anxious about it. The next two weeks will be a grueling long waiting period to see if it was successful. 14 whole days to find out if we are pregnant. Talk about nerve wracking. So, I am an anxious person anyway, I decided to come up with a plan that would help me stay focused during this difficult waiting period. Because not only am I wound up pretty tight, I'm pretty impatient as well! So, I reached for my Bible and was led to Phillipians 4:6, do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God.  Then I read a little more and it tells me that the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ. That is huge. Those words penetrate my heart and soul and I feel a soothing calmness gently flowing through my veins. My heart rate slows, my mind stops racing, and peace fills my heart. It is important that I recognize that the peace only comes as a result of not being anxious but prayerful. So I will begin an intense spiritual journey today and daily seek Christ diligently and relentlessly as I am determined to keep my focus on Him and not myself. After the next 21 days, regardless of the outcome, I should be a changed woman. For the better of course. Hopefully, I will be pregnant and either way, I will become closer to God so it's a win win situation! Thanks for stopping by. My plan is to pen my thoughts each day so I will be held accountable to my plan and to make it easier to monitor my progress in this very special Spiritual Journey.

The sights, sounds, and smells of fall are upon us. The smell of cotton defoliant in the air has become comforting to me reassuring me that exciting changes are on the horizon. The leaves have finally started to turn colors and turn loose, as I notice them congregating under my carport and crunching under my feet. The morning air has a damp coolness as opposed to the thick humid heavy air of the summer in the delta. Football is in full swing and homecoming has come and gone. College football fills our Saturdays.  Fall festivals fill our calendars and the county fair promises cotton candy, corn dogs, and candy apples. The boys have hopes of sweet kisses on the farris wheel, as do I ! Nascar continues as the drivers race for the chase. The sounds of the cars blaring through my living room brings me much comfort as I grew up to this sound and although this has become my home, it makes me feel closer to my roots. It's funny when you think back on when and where you grew up, you miss those things, but even if you went back today, they're all gone. Everything is different. Nothing is the same. I do believe that I have reached my prime in life. I certainly hopes it lasts a while. I finally feel in the pit of my soul and know in the depths of my heart that I am exactly where God wants me to be. The path that I had to travel to get here was painfully long and winding, nonetheless worth every moment. Every tear, every sweat drop of blood. The peace that only God can provide is highly underrated and definitely taken for granted. When you are completely content and full of joy with what God has provided you with even when there are things that you want and don't have..... you know you have the peace of God and are in Gods will. I long to give back to God. Even though I realize that no matter what I give, it would never be enough, I wanna give back. I want to honor Him. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 28:11

Until next time,

jo

Rolling right along

So, here we are rolling right through September, one sweet day at a time! My time just seems to fly by! My first week of work is under my belt and it went quite well I must say. The beginning of anything can be quite overwhelming but with each day, week, month, that passes it becomes more and more natural. The temps are cooling off and football is officially in the air. I love it. Without school, now I can enjoy the simple things in life, catching those Kodak moments, and maybe even trying those homemade Cinnamon rolls that have been quietly whispering my name. I haven't been exactly what I have wanted to be lately. I want and strive to be a better mom. I want to be a better wife. I yearn to be more relaxed, laid back, although, it is nowhere in my genetic makeup whatsoever. It is a constant struggle, that with the help of my Lord I am bound to over come. I have to stop and ask myself, "in the big picture, is it really that big of a deal?" I pray for a gentle spirit. A gentle loving spirit. Sometimes all the pressures of this world can really get to us. Jesus is my rock. It is so important to lean on Him. When we are weak, He is strong. I want to reach out to others, be giving, tip big, perform random acts of kindness, demonstrate love to strangers, forgive those who have hurt me, enjoy life, love life, sing in the storms, dance in the rain, pray through the pain, treasure kisses from my soul mate, commit his smile to my memory, play his laughter over and over in my head when I miss him, make my kids laugh, fall asleep to the rhythm of his heart with my head on his strong chest, be carefree, ride with no destination in mind, feed the birds, get lost in his eyes, sing in the truck at the top of my lungs, serve God with all that I do, make my parents proud, make my kids proud, camp in a tent, watch the leaves change colors before they let go, stay up late, worry about absolutely nothing, taking it all in, giving it all back. Just sayin........aj

Mondays

Mondays in my world have now taken on a new meaning and hold new hope for our future as a family. For the past year my Mondays started on Sunday night with a sickening dread in the pit of my stomach and I had to take 12.5 mg of benadryl just to be able to go to sleep. Then, begrudgingly, I arose at 4am in order to make it to class by 8am and I am a morning person! All day, we endured class after class after class and if we were lucky they would let us out early at 630 pm for the 2.5 hour ride home. Now, my Sunday nights are nice and relaxed as we watch football and I type this meaningless blog. This will be my first Monday at work as a Board Certified Nurse Practitioner. I do realize that I keep making a big deal out of that, but in our world, it kinda is. OK, it really is. I worry about all the little things that I sit here and keep telling myself that the Lord has already taken care of all these little things that I am worried about. There are four pt rooms. I wonder if the doc will give me two rooms or just tell me which pts he wants me to see. Ugh, it will feel so uncomfortable until I find a routine. Do I come home for lunch or do I stick around? What do I do with all the junk the previous NP left in the office that is now mine? Tons of little questions are floating around in my head. At the end of the day, each day, I hope to have helped someone, not killed anyone, and avoid making the doc think I am a complete idiot. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes. Not that anyone really reads this or if they do that they even care. Maybe my grandchildren will somehow stumble across my random thoughts and get something out of them. For the record, at the age of 32, I have decided that my grandchildren will call me "Sugar".

God Bless, aj

Flower Box Phase 2

Moving right along!! Potting soil next. Then we'll need a new box and a flower plan! :) One happy girl

The adorable Flower box my sweet hubby has started for me! We should finish it today. I call myself helping, but I'm pretty sure I'm not that much of a help. But I'm right there, just in case ;)! I am so excited! We're finally getting some things done we have talked and dreamed about for three years. I can't wait to post a finished pic. Now, to decide what flowers to arrange in it when we get it completed.Oh, and of course we'll need a new mailbox. I think we've gottent the goody out of this one. I'll be sure to include it in the next shot. Any suggestions are welcome! Happy Saturday to all :) aj