Talladega

So I haven’t written in a while and now I have a perfect opportunity to write about something neutral to me. It’s a safe topic that may ease me right back into blogging as I will have to start back next month anyway. This weekend, I took my family to Talladega Superspeedway to experience the Aarons 449. Notice that I carefully chose the word experience rather than watch.  It truly was an experience in every sense of the word! I would really like to keep this relatively short. I would like to just name a few things that I learned on this fun filled weekend.

1.       Everyone is welcome here at Talladega. Everyone from all walks of life. Absolutely No discrimination. Everyone feels the love. Everyone.

2.       Do NOT wear Nascar Driver apparel unless you are prepared for some strange conversations with random people that can become extremely uncomfortable, especially when alcohol is involved.

3.       Everyone should experience this at least once in their life. There are no words to describe the smells, sights, sounds, and the rumble in your chest you feel every time the cars fly by.

4.       No matter how much water you carry in, it will not be enough.

5.       People will consume more alcohol than you may imagine.

6.       I have more respect for the drivers than ever before. This is a hard hot job.

7.       There is no such thing as personal space there, people are all over you. Carry germ-x and get over it.

8.       Take toilet paper to the porta johns.

9.       Most of the people you see will not be wearing enough clothes.

10.   It was the most amazing experience for me, very exciting. Invigorating. Encouraging.

11.   You will cheer for people you have never heard of.

12.   The spirit in the stands is contagious.

13.   IT was priceless. Hopefully we can go every year.

I grew up on NASCAR; it’s just what we did. If it wasn’t on tv, we listened to it on the radio. You picked a driver and went with it. There are no descriptive words that can make you understand or appreciate the track and the race. You just have to go. And then you will want to go back.

Until next time………aj

Sunday Superbowl

I swear I think these Sundays roll around faster and faster! Another week has passed us right by. Super busy week at the clinic, which was amazing! Friday was spent with my love and preparing for the big party yesterday to celebrate Candi's bday. She left me some pretty big shoes to fill. Ones actually that I never will fill and that is ok, we are all unique in our own way. Created special in the image of God. So the final IUI was not a success and the next option is IVF. Hubs is excited about a new adventure and I (of course) am scared, worried, and as always, indecisive. I bet he would say that I am the most indecisive person he knows. That is one of several qualities about myself I wish I could change. I wish that I knew without a shadow of a doubt what I wanted and how I wanted to go about getting it. But instead, I question not my desires but the means in which to obtain them. What if I wished I would have done something different or waited for something else?? I can what if myself to death! So, needless to say much prayer and loving conversation will take place before we venture this IVF journey. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would even have to consider the thought IVF and now it is quickly creeping into my reality. Trusting God to lead us in the right direction, we will press on. Just for kicks, the fertility concern and the burning desire isn't all that is going on with us! We are busy with local missions in the church. Clinic is going great, however, they did just cut our pay back for 2 months. Talk about scary...... Again I say, trusting God every step of the way, we press on......I encourage you to do the same.


Til next time,
jo

Contentment

Hello Sunday! Today has been fairly routine; breakfast, church, dinner, dropping guest children off, and now lounging. This routine, mind you , I have come to be thankful for. It's comfortable, it's familiar, and it's comforting. I remember back to last week when I didn't really have much on my heart yet, I penned hundreds of words that I hope were not too dreadful for the ones that read it. Today I come to this blank page with quite a bit on my heart. But what exactly, I can't say for sure. I am moving through the book I told you about, "The Resolution for Women", and boy has it opened my eyes about so many things. Mainly about contentment. I am learning to be content with what God has provided me as well as what he has not. If you have read anything I have written, it is quite obvious that the one and only thing that I desire that God has yet provided to be is to conceive and bear a child. I am learning to live with this in contentment. It is a delicate balance that has seemed to be kept secret as most of the world live in discontentment focusing on the things in this life that they do not have. I am determined to master this; to live and enjoy the moment, day, season that God has me in currently. Careful not to look to the future with such anticipation that I miss what God has for me today. It is definitely possible to focus on what we don't have to the point that we miss the enjoyment in front of us today! My children will not be this age forever, my husband and I will not be in this decade much longer. My oldest son will soon be driving, which means EVERYTHING changes. I have also learned that being content with what God has provided or not provided for you does not mean giving up on your hopes & dreams, whatever they may be. It is about finding a healthy balance between enjoying what is and anticipating what is to come. Its about making your dreams and expectations take an appropriate seat on your bus, not allowing them to boss you around and control your thoughts. To not allow your expectations and anticipation to rob you from the gratitude of what you have been given, leaving you unable to enjoy this, because He hasn't seen fit to give you that. God supplies our every need. EVERY NEED!! So, look around ya, if you don't have it , whatever it is, you don't need it or the time has not yet come. You can trust Him on this with full confidence, sight unseen. Sounds simple, yet it is so difficult for many to just accept it as that. Maybe that is precisely why it says in the word of God : "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3). I have noticed as I look back over my blog that the focus has changed. God's work is evident all around us........ take it in, open your eyes, your ears, your heart, your soul.......it's all around us.

until next week,
jo

p.s. my husband watches mindless television as I pound this keyboard. If he reads my pitiful blogs, he usually can't recall them. I love him with every fiber of my being, this is simply a test :) :)

Who is Boss

So, I am plowing right though my Sunday as usual. Breakfast cooked, laundry started, Church was amazing, Dinner done, more laundry, and then it hits me: Sunday is my blog day!! Ahhhhh, I don't have anything pressing on my heart today but I will keep my commitment to write weekly so I don't get too far behind. This past week breezed right by and I realize that we are in the middle of January! Only two more weeks until the month of Feburary sneaks on in! The Lord continues to speak to my heart and groom my spirit. Honestly, I pray He never stops. He constantly reminds me that He is always with me and always knowing of my thoughts and concerns. ALWAYS. That is so important to me (He knows that too!) Through my Bible study and devotional He reminds me often just what I need to know. One day this week it was to remind me that He is leading me along the "high road". Not only did He approve the path before me, He designed it! I have one simple assignment: to follow Him, allowing Him to direct me on this path, step by step. I am learning to trust Him when things go "wrong". Disruptions to my routine highlight my dependence on Him. Trusting acceptance of trials brings blessings that far outweigh them all (2 Corinthians 4:17). Trust does not falter when the path becomes rocky and steep. I think my favorite lesson this week was titled "Approach this day with awareness of Who is Boss". Wow. Talking about hitting the nail on the head. Impatience comes natural to me as I would imagine it does to most people. Its human nature. A constant struggle. Not only do we want our way, we want it NOW. And how do we act and feel when we don't get our way? Not pretty is it? So, I am reminded that The Lord Almighty is Boss. He is in Devine control of the universe and I have asked Him (more than once) to be in control of my life and my family. To lead us in the direction He would have us to go. For His will for our family and our dreams of expanding it. I trust Him completely in every aspect of my life. I cannot comprehend how much He loves me, how could I not trust Him? Well,  in my opinion this trust doesn't come naturally. Especially when bad things happen to good people. It is a learned trust.  I am desperately trying each and every day to be closer to my heavenly Father. I just purchased a book to read: The Resolution for Women. I am so excited to read it and hopefully it will draw me even closer to Him. When I get discouraged in my journey to conceive and bear a child (which is often but improving), I try to remember the big picture. I mean the REALLY big picture. Satan roaming the Earth back and forth looking for one to devour and the Lords heavenly host constantly in spiritual warfare over our very souls. Although in my very own little tiny world this is such an enormous deal, in the really big picture, its really not about me and what I want at all. It's about sharing Jesus and the love of God with others. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe the Lord is concerned with every detail of our lives, our hearts, and the desires therein hence the beginning of this blog where He speaks to me daily to keep me on the path He has set before me. I am prone to wander.........

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

jo

Lessons from the Father

I wanted to share some lessons with you that I have learned from my Father over the past week. One of the biggest things that God revealed to me was about my faith. Most people tell you to “have faith” and you will get what you ask for. “Honey, you just gotta believe.” “Keep the faith”. You hear this constantly and I hear it all the time in relation to our difficulty conceiving a child. “It will happen when it is time” or “just stop worrying about it and it will happen”. People mean well, but in all honesty, it can make a woman bitter. Especially if this is coming from someone who pops babies out like they run a baby factory. I mean really, it’s easy to say these things when everything is peachy keen in your world. In the midst of the storm, though, that is one’s true colors really shine. Storms and valleys in this life are necessary though, for how else could we appreciate standing tall on top of the mountain or the warmth of the sun shining on our face? I would dare say that the storms and valleys make and mold us to be who we are. Anyone can be happy and satisfied when all things are going according to planned. That’s easy. Ok, I got sidetracked. Back to faith; my faith. I learned that faith is not positive thinking. It’s not looking on the bright side. God is no respecter of persons (see 2 Chronicles 19:7). He has given to every man a measure of faith (see Romans 12:3). When we present our requests to God; when we give Him the desires of our heart, if it’s our request that we have faith in, and our request is denied, then we are left disappointed. BUT if it’s God that our faith is in, we are NEVER disappointed. We must trust Him, this is essential to our faith. We should thank Him for the answers that He has set into motion long before we can discern the results. When our requests come to mind again, we should continue to thank Him for the answers that are one the way. If we continue to just state our requests, we will live in a state of tension, focusing on the outcome of our desires. We do not know what lies in this journey ahead of us here on earth and nor will God show us what is on the road that stretches out before us. He will however, adequately equip us with everything we need. Of course we would feel more prepared if we could see a map of all the twists and turns that lie ahead. I have also learned that this journey is not about how we feel but what we KNOW. Emotions are human and will lead us astray if we aren’t careful. We must trust that God approved every twist and every turn that lay in wait for us. He equips us with a guide through His word and strength through His Holy Spirit. We can rest assured that we have everything we need. The resources are there, we must access them. When we decide on a course of action that is in line with His will, nothing in Heaven or Earth can stop us! We may encounter obstacles as we move toward our goal, but we must try not to become discouraged. We can overcome these obstacles with His help. Much stress results from us wanting to make things happen before their time has come. God asserts His sovereignty through the timing of events. We see this repeatedly through the events depicted in His word. I encourage you today; whatever your course, no matter the obstacles, stay close to God and let Him set the pace. I remind myself to slow down and enjoy this journey in His presence. After all, He designed the journey with me in mind. He designed yours too, with only you in mind.

-Check your faith - what is it in?

-Trust His timing

-Access the resources He provided

God Speaks

My how quickly another Sunday has rolled along. These weeks of 2012 are flying by already. The stores can't sell the Christmas left-overs and already we see Valentine candy and Easter eggs on the shelves. As I spend time in my Bible, I often mark when I am reading something and what I am praying about at that time. I am amazed at what God has brought me through and how He has taught me and made sure that I am growing through His purposes. I have grown so much, I can barely recognize what used to consume my thoughts and create worry for me. So, God is working on my soul in remarkable ways these past weeks. He speaks to me through undeniable ways. He removes ALL doubt that He is speaking directly to me. This will be very difficult for me to put into words but I will try my best. The Lord seems to be singling me out through His very gentle ways. Instead of screaming as we do to get someone’s attention, He gently drops a soft feather so that it lands perfectly on my nose every time. Through music, radio, sermons, devotions, group meetings and even dreams, He makes it clear He has been speaking to me. Infertility consumes my thoughts and I constantly have to turn those thoughts over to the Lord. At our women’s ministry we completed an activity where we identified our hindrances and created a plan to eliminate them. This was to make us a more effective Christian. One of my hindrances is worry. Each morning, before I get out of bed (literally), I hand my worry about infertility over to God. I place it with Him daily and throughout the day I try my best to focus on Him and allow Him to direct my Paths. One of the most interesting things God has done for me over the past few weeks is confirming His will for my life. I have asked Him in the past to remove the desire from my heart for a child if this was not in His will for my life, because at the end of the day, His will is what I desire more than ANYTHING. So I got real with God and said, “Seriously, if this is not what you would have for me, can You please remove this burning desire from my heart for a child. I can accept it God and move on.” He answered with a fiery, searing, undeniable desire that burns even deeper in my heart and soul. Ok, I say, I hear You loud and clear. We will have a child. That is good enough for me. When and how, I can leave up to You. With His strength of course, none of this could I do on my own.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you, In God, whose work I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid, what can mortal man do to me?” Psalm 56:3-4

IUI #2 : FAIL - EPIC FAIL

So, it's Sunday night, and just as I promised here I am sitting on my couch writing this blog. Not really feeling it, but I couldn't miss the first opportunity to meet my goal! This month was our 2nd IUI and four days ago, we realized it failed. AF was definately relentless on me this time. Physically and emotionally, she showed her true colors. She goes a little over board if you ask me. But as we just came to the realization that this would not be the month that we conceive our precious child that we desire so passionately, God knew it all along. He is in control of absolutely everything. in that, we can find comfort. I have been trying my very best to be closer to God each day this year. So far, so good! It is wonderful to feel His ever present presence and the peace that only He can provide. We were reminded in church this morning that Satan roams over the earth looking for weak ones to devour. It is in my weakness that I can fully understand just how much I need my Savior. If I was strong and self suficient, what place would God have in my life? He made us to be dependent on Him! He wants to help us, He wants us to seek Him. In my strenuous journey of infertility, the one thing that I never fail to do is cry out to God. It's not always sweet words of adoration mind you. Between the fertility drugs and the raging hormones, sometimes our conversations are nothing less than pitiful. It's easy to have a pity party every month when you are let down. Especially when you are surrounded by people passing out pregancy announcements like girl scout cookies. Everybody but you. That is so frustrating. It seems to be getting better with time. I no longer want to strangle them, just smack em. Hard. I remind myself of all the women in the Bible who struggled with infertility. John and Elizabeth are my favorite. I like to call her Liz. Then there is Sara......God bless Sara. So back to what we were reminded about in church this morning. Satan knows us better than we know our selves. He follows us, taking notes. He wants us to believe his sleezy little lies that he whispers in our ear during our weakest moments. He wants us to believe that we aren't good enough to deserve God's blessing. That I don't deserve to conceive and bear a child. Well, you know what I say to that? You are exactly right Satan. I do not deserve God's blessing, actually I never will. Isaiah 54 says that our righteousness is as filthy rags and Paul said in  Romans that there is not one that is righteous, not one. So see, Satan is right on that, I will never be deserving of God's blessings, taht is why we have His grace and is unconditional love. God WANTS me to have the desires of my heart and He WANTS me to have whats best for me. His word tells us in Jeremiah that He has special plans for our life. Plans for me to prosper!! So, Satan can go somewhere else with that story! I'm sure he has a plan B for me and equipped with the Word of God and the Holy Spirit in my heart, The Lord and I can handle it. Together, that is the key. The lesson I learned this month while wallowing in my self pity is that this battle is too big for me. Finally, I surrendered to God. I gave up and gave it to God. I won't quit trying mind you. I will simply go to the specialist and do what they say. No more calling the shots, no more worrying, no more google searches. I finally gave my battle to God!!  Now, let me tell you that this is a daily task for me. You see, when I wake up, getting pregnant is the first thing I think about. So, I have to say "good morning Lord, here you go this belongs to you today, please give me the strength not to take it back. Thank you for loving me enough to take it, for you already know the outcome. The battle is already won. Amen." This seems like a bunch of meaningless drivel once I poured it all out and for that I do sincerely apologize. Please know that I have so much to be thankful for and I truly am grateful for all that God has blessed me with. If this blog blesses just one person, my mission is accomplished. If not, maybe my grandchildren will know a little more about me when I'm gone. I should give the much needed credit to my devoted husband. How he deals with the mood swings, fits of rage, disappointments, and moments of envy I may never know. He is steadfast though, holding my hand, hugging me tight, and listening with that loving concern in his eye. Lord knew I would need him by my side to enjoy the good times and endure the bad. That is what best friends do. So thankful God saw that I married mine.....

I encourage you whatever, your battle, you are not facing it alone today. As Ephesians 6 tells us, put on the armor of God as you enter the battle. Do not give up! Fight the good fight and finish the race! just remeber that we cannot depend on our on strength!

jo