Contentment

Hello Sunday! Today has been fairly routine; breakfast, church, dinner, dropping guest children off, and now lounging. This routine, mind you , I have come to be thankful for. It's comfortable, it's familiar, and it's comforting. I remember back to last week when I didn't really have much on my heart yet, I penned hundreds of words that I hope were not too dreadful for the ones that read it. Today I come to this blank page with quite a bit on my heart. But what exactly, I can't say for sure. I am moving through the book I told you about, "The Resolution for Women", and boy has it opened my eyes about so many things. Mainly about contentment. I am learning to be content with what God has provided me as well as what he has not. If you have read anything I have written, it is quite obvious that the one and only thing that I desire that God has yet provided to be is to conceive and bear a child. I am learning to live with this in contentment. It is a delicate balance that has seemed to be kept secret as most of the world live in discontentment focusing on the things in this life that they do not have. I am determined to master this; to live and enjoy the moment, day, season that God has me in currently. Careful not to look to the future with such anticipation that I miss what God has for me today. It is definitely possible to focus on what we don't have to the point that we miss the enjoyment in front of us today! My children will not be this age forever, my husband and I will not be in this decade much longer. My oldest son will soon be driving, which means EVERYTHING changes. I have also learned that being content with what God has provided or not provided for you does not mean giving up on your hopes & dreams, whatever they may be. It is about finding a healthy balance between enjoying what is and anticipating what is to come. Its about making your dreams and expectations take an appropriate seat on your bus, not allowing them to boss you around and control your thoughts. To not allow your expectations and anticipation to rob you from the gratitude of what you have been given, leaving you unable to enjoy this, because He hasn't seen fit to give you that. God supplies our every need. EVERY NEED!! So, look around ya, if you don't have it , whatever it is, you don't need it or the time has not yet come. You can trust Him on this with full confidence, sight unseen. Sounds simple, yet it is so difficult for many to just accept it as that. Maybe that is precisely why it says in the word of God : "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3). I have noticed as I look back over my blog that the focus has changed. God's work is evident all around us........ take it in, open your eyes, your ears, your heart, your soul.......it's all around us.

until next week,
jo

p.s. my husband watches mindless television as I pound this keyboard. If he reads my pitiful blogs, he usually can't recall them. I love him with every fiber of my being, this is simply a test :) :)

Who is Boss

So, I am plowing right though my Sunday as usual. Breakfast cooked, laundry started, Church was amazing, Dinner done, more laundry, and then it hits me: Sunday is my blog day!! Ahhhhh, I don't have anything pressing on my heart today but I will keep my commitment to write weekly so I don't get too far behind. This past week breezed right by and I realize that we are in the middle of January! Only two more weeks until the month of Feburary sneaks on in! The Lord continues to speak to my heart and groom my spirit. Honestly, I pray He never stops. He constantly reminds me that He is always with me and always knowing of my thoughts and concerns. ALWAYS. That is so important to me (He knows that too!) Through my Bible study and devotional He reminds me often just what I need to know. One day this week it was to remind me that He is leading me along the "high road". Not only did He approve the path before me, He designed it! I have one simple assignment: to follow Him, allowing Him to direct me on this path, step by step. I am learning to trust Him when things go "wrong". Disruptions to my routine highlight my dependence on Him. Trusting acceptance of trials brings blessings that far outweigh them all (2 Corinthians 4:17). Trust does not falter when the path becomes rocky and steep. I think my favorite lesson this week was titled "Approach this day with awareness of Who is Boss". Wow. Talking about hitting the nail on the head. Impatience comes natural to me as I would imagine it does to most people. Its human nature. A constant struggle. Not only do we want our way, we want it NOW. And how do we act and feel when we don't get our way? Not pretty is it? So, I am reminded that The Lord Almighty is Boss. He is in Devine control of the universe and I have asked Him (more than once) to be in control of my life and my family. To lead us in the direction He would have us to go. For His will for our family and our dreams of expanding it. I trust Him completely in every aspect of my life. I cannot comprehend how much He loves me, how could I not trust Him? Well,  in my opinion this trust doesn't come naturally. Especially when bad things happen to good people. It is a learned trust.  I am desperately trying each and every day to be closer to my heavenly Father. I just purchased a book to read: The Resolution for Women. I am so excited to read it and hopefully it will draw me even closer to Him. When I get discouraged in my journey to conceive and bear a child (which is often but improving), I try to remember the big picture. I mean the REALLY big picture. Satan roaming the Earth back and forth looking for one to devour and the Lords heavenly host constantly in spiritual warfare over our very souls. Although in my very own little tiny world this is such an enormous deal, in the really big picture, its really not about me and what I want at all. It's about sharing Jesus and the love of God with others. Now, don't get me wrong, I believe the Lord is concerned with every detail of our lives, our hearts, and the desires therein hence the beginning of this blog where He speaks to me daily to keep me on the path He has set before me. I am prone to wander.........

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

jo

Lessons from the Father

I wanted to share some lessons with you that I have learned from my Father over the past week. One of the biggest things that God revealed to me was about my faith. Most people tell you to “have faith” and you will get what you ask for. “Honey, you just gotta believe.” “Keep the faith”. You hear this constantly and I hear it all the time in relation to our difficulty conceiving a child. “It will happen when it is time” or “just stop worrying about it and it will happen”. People mean well, but in all honesty, it can make a woman bitter. Especially if this is coming from someone who pops babies out like they run a baby factory. I mean really, it’s easy to say these things when everything is peachy keen in your world. In the midst of the storm, though, that is one’s true colors really shine. Storms and valleys in this life are necessary though, for how else could we appreciate standing tall on top of the mountain or the warmth of the sun shining on our face? I would dare say that the storms and valleys make and mold us to be who we are. Anyone can be happy and satisfied when all things are going according to planned. That’s easy. Ok, I got sidetracked. Back to faith; my faith. I learned that faith is not positive thinking. It’s not looking on the bright side. God is no respecter of persons (see 2 Chronicles 19:7). He has given to every man a measure of faith (see Romans 12:3). When we present our requests to God; when we give Him the desires of our heart, if it’s our request that we have faith in, and our request is denied, then we are left disappointed. BUT if it’s God that our faith is in, we are NEVER disappointed. We must trust Him, this is essential to our faith. We should thank Him for the answers that He has set into motion long before we can discern the results. When our requests come to mind again, we should continue to thank Him for the answers that are one the way. If we continue to just state our requests, we will live in a state of tension, focusing on the outcome of our desires. We do not know what lies in this journey ahead of us here on earth and nor will God show us what is on the road that stretches out before us. He will however, adequately equip us with everything we need. Of course we would feel more prepared if we could see a map of all the twists and turns that lie ahead. I have also learned that this journey is not about how we feel but what we KNOW. Emotions are human and will lead us astray if we aren’t careful. We must trust that God approved every twist and every turn that lay in wait for us. He equips us with a guide through His word and strength through His Holy Spirit. We can rest assured that we have everything we need. The resources are there, we must access them. When we decide on a course of action that is in line with His will, nothing in Heaven or Earth can stop us! We may encounter obstacles as we move toward our goal, but we must try not to become discouraged. We can overcome these obstacles with His help. Much stress results from us wanting to make things happen before their time has come. God asserts His sovereignty through the timing of events. We see this repeatedly through the events depicted in His word. I encourage you today; whatever your course, no matter the obstacles, stay close to God and let Him set the pace. I remind myself to slow down and enjoy this journey in His presence. After all, He designed the journey with me in mind. He designed yours too, with only you in mind.

-Check your faith - what is it in?

-Trust His timing

-Access the resources He provided

God Speaks

My how quickly another Sunday has rolled along. These weeks of 2012 are flying by already. The stores can't sell the Christmas left-overs and already we see Valentine candy and Easter eggs on the shelves. As I spend time in my Bible, I often mark when I am reading something and what I am praying about at that time. I am amazed at what God has brought me through and how He has taught me and made sure that I am growing through His purposes. I have grown so much, I can barely recognize what used to consume my thoughts and create worry for me. So, God is working on my soul in remarkable ways these past weeks. He speaks to me through undeniable ways. He removes ALL doubt that He is speaking directly to me. This will be very difficult for me to put into words but I will try my best. The Lord seems to be singling me out through His very gentle ways. Instead of screaming as we do to get someone’s attention, He gently drops a soft feather so that it lands perfectly on my nose every time. Through music, radio, sermons, devotions, group meetings and even dreams, He makes it clear He has been speaking to me. Infertility consumes my thoughts and I constantly have to turn those thoughts over to the Lord. At our women’s ministry we completed an activity where we identified our hindrances and created a plan to eliminate them. This was to make us a more effective Christian. One of my hindrances is worry. Each morning, before I get out of bed (literally), I hand my worry about infertility over to God. I place it with Him daily and throughout the day I try my best to focus on Him and allow Him to direct my Paths. One of the most interesting things God has done for me over the past few weeks is confirming His will for my life. I have asked Him in the past to remove the desire from my heart for a child if this was not in His will for my life, because at the end of the day, His will is what I desire more than ANYTHING. So I got real with God and said, “Seriously, if this is not what you would have for me, can You please remove this burning desire from my heart for a child. I can accept it God and move on.” He answered with a fiery, searing, undeniable desire that burns even deeper in my heart and soul. Ok, I say, I hear You loud and clear. We will have a child. That is good enough for me. When and how, I can leave up to You. With His strength of course, none of this could I do on my own.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in you, In God, whose work I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid, what can mortal man do to me?” Psalm 56:3-4

IUI #2 : FAIL - EPIC FAIL

So, it's Sunday night, and just as I promised here I am sitting on my couch writing this blog. Not really feeling it, but I couldn't miss the first opportunity to meet my goal! This month was our 2nd IUI and four days ago, we realized it failed. AF was definately relentless on me this time. Physically and emotionally, she showed her true colors. She goes a little over board if you ask me. But as we just came to the realization that this would not be the month that we conceive our precious child that we desire so passionately, God knew it all along. He is in control of absolutely everything. in that, we can find comfort. I have been trying my very best to be closer to God each day this year. So far, so good! It is wonderful to feel His ever present presence and the peace that only He can provide. We were reminded in church this morning that Satan roams over the earth looking for weak ones to devour. It is in my weakness that I can fully understand just how much I need my Savior. If I was strong and self suficient, what place would God have in my life? He made us to be dependent on Him! He wants to help us, He wants us to seek Him. In my strenuous journey of infertility, the one thing that I never fail to do is cry out to God. It's not always sweet words of adoration mind you. Between the fertility drugs and the raging hormones, sometimes our conversations are nothing less than pitiful. It's easy to have a pity party every month when you are let down. Especially when you are surrounded by people passing out pregancy announcements like girl scout cookies. Everybody but you. That is so frustrating. It seems to be getting better with time. I no longer want to strangle them, just smack em. Hard. I remind myself of all the women in the Bible who struggled with infertility. John and Elizabeth are my favorite. I like to call her Liz. Then there is Sara......God bless Sara. So back to what we were reminded about in church this morning. Satan knows us better than we know our selves. He follows us, taking notes. He wants us to believe his sleezy little lies that he whispers in our ear during our weakest moments. He wants us to believe that we aren't good enough to deserve God's blessing. That I don't deserve to conceive and bear a child. Well, you know what I say to that? You are exactly right Satan. I do not deserve God's blessing, actually I never will. Isaiah 54 says that our righteousness is as filthy rags and Paul said in  Romans that there is not one that is righteous, not one. So see, Satan is right on that, I will never be deserving of God's blessings, taht is why we have His grace and is unconditional love. God WANTS me to have the desires of my heart and He WANTS me to have whats best for me. His word tells us in Jeremiah that He has special plans for our life. Plans for me to prosper!! So, Satan can go somewhere else with that story! I'm sure he has a plan B for me and equipped with the Word of God and the Holy Spirit in my heart, The Lord and I can handle it. Together, that is the key. The lesson I learned this month while wallowing in my self pity is that this battle is too big for me. Finally, I surrendered to God. I gave up and gave it to God. I won't quit trying mind you. I will simply go to the specialist and do what they say. No more calling the shots, no more worrying, no more google searches. I finally gave my battle to God!!  Now, let me tell you that this is a daily task for me. You see, when I wake up, getting pregnant is the first thing I think about. So, I have to say "good morning Lord, here you go this belongs to you today, please give me the strength not to take it back. Thank you for loving me enough to take it, for you already know the outcome. The battle is already won. Amen." This seems like a bunch of meaningless drivel once I poured it all out and for that I do sincerely apologize. Please know that I have so much to be thankful for and I truly am grateful for all that God has blessed me with. If this blog blesses just one person, my mission is accomplished. If not, maybe my grandchildren will know a little more about me when I'm gone. I should give the much needed credit to my devoted husband. How he deals with the mood swings, fits of rage, disappointments, and moments of envy I may never know. He is steadfast though, holding my hand, hugging me tight, and listening with that loving concern in his eye. Lord knew I would need him by my side to enjoy the good times and endure the bad. That is what best friends do. So thankful God saw that I married mine.....

I encourage you whatever, your battle, you are not facing it alone today. As Ephesians 6 tells us, put on the armor of God as you enter the battle. Do not give up! Fight the good fight and finish the race! just remeber that we cannot depend on our on strength!

jo

A New Year: A New Beginning

January 1, 2012. What a better day to get back on track with blogging than the first day of a brand spanking New Year, right? I mean this dude is only 6 hours old and still has a shine on it!! To my defense, I am also writing a book. Yep, a book. Of course it will never be published but maybe my grandchildren will one day read the sweet and precious story of what God did for their grandfather and I. I also realize that is also known as a “jug o milk”. What is a jug o milk? Well, my friend, I am so glad you asked! I once knew someone who called excuses a Jug Of Milk because one was no better than the other. The story was when a preacher came to this guys house to invite him to church, he politely declined because he had a jug of milk in the fridge. The preacher was baffled as he didn’t understand what the milk in the fridge had to do with the guy not being able to come to church. After all, we all have milk in the fridge right? When he asked the guy what in the world he meant, he simply replied “I aint comin and I figured any excuse is as good as another”. So, it is what it is, no matter what the reason. An excuse is just a jug o milk, they’re all the same. Ok, so that was totally just rambling, but at the end of the day this is my blog!! So, with Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years behind us, we move forward. Pressing ahead towards the goal. This is the time of year everyone makes promises to themselves and to each other that they usually don’t keep. Everyone is boxing up the old year and ready to start a new one. I love the first day of a new year. But keep in mind that I am weird, very weird. Just ask my husband! The morning is my absolute favorite part of the day. It’s a fresh beginning. A chance to do better than I did yesterday, and I haven’t screwed it up yet! I love watching the world wake up. I love all of the year in reviews that the magazines and news channels do. I love looking back over the year as a whole. There are often things I had forgotten about. I know that because the Lord is all knowing the year 2012 that we face is not a blank page to be written. For I know that He knows everything that will happen and every decision we will make. However, because of our very limited knowledge and understanding, he can only reveal this year to us one moment at a time. Oh, to only know if this is the year for me. To get pregnant of course. Oh what a joy that would be. So 2011 has brought so much to us as a family. I couldn’t record it all if I tried. Our family farm got off the ground, not far mind you but off the ground. And landed again. I graduated after many nights of tears and worry, it’s over. Then I passed the National Boards. Good grief that was tough. I made many new friends this year and caught my biggest fish! I got to see both boys play football on the same field! I landed the dream job that I have always wanted. I mean always. I am doing what I wanted to do when I was 13 years old. How many people can say that?

So, I realize this is a little long, but one of my many goals of this year is to blog every Sunday. So, as I sit here in the dark with the light of my Christmas tree, that will be disassembled and boxed up for another year tomorrow, I ponder on many things. The most important goal I have this year is to be closer to Christ, my Savior. To be ever aware of His presence. I want to stop comparing my life to others. I love every little thing about my life, so really the only thing I ever envy of others is pregnancy and the miraculous birth of a beautiful baby. I never would have dreamed that I would have trouble getting pregnant. Not in a million years. But here I am.  Four years of trying and here I am.  I don’t know what God holds in store for us there, but what I do know is that I trust Him. I know for a fact that He would have nothing less than the best for His children. And I am a child of God!! I know this about Him because His word tells us so. I want to take it all in this year. Every day, I just want to soak in Gods goodness. Just wallow around full of laughter in what He has so freely given us. You see, Satan never takes a holiday. He never calls in sick. He is always roaming this Earth. He would rather us focus on what we want that we don’t have. He wants to plant greed and envy in your heart. And mine too. Always aware of this we can be victorious and cast him out in the name above all names…. Jesus!! I will take every day for what it is worth. I don’t want to be caught up in the busyness that the world has to offer but diligently prepared to enjoy every moment God has blessed me with. There are special days that are months away that I have already begun to deliberately prepare for. Preparation simply keeps me from getting caught running around at the last minute like a mad woman. I can’t enjoy it like that. It also tells the people that are involved just how much this means to me. I have already started making plans for my sons’ mother’s birthday in February. That is a special day, and I will see to it that they realize that. My sons’ mother. Sounds weird I’m sure. If you haven’t gone far enough back in my blog to know, she was killed in a car accident almost 5 years ago. I married their father who is my very best friend and soul mate. I am trying to help raise them the best I know how. Never have been a mother so sometimes I feel blind but I love those guys just like I birthed em and they are my sons. I long to know the feeling of being pregnant and hearing the words…..”she looks just like you”. But even that is expected, right? I mean after all, the Word tells us in Proverbs that a barren womb is never satisfied. I do however realized how blessed I am and how incredibly selfish it is to want much less ask for more.

So, as unorganized and scattered as that was, it is a blog entry nonetheless! I hope you have set goals for yourself this year. Goals that are attainable.  And I pray that you accomplish great things and chase your dreams. I pray that you conquer your fears. I pray that you rely on the strength of Christ instead of your own. I pray that when you fall down (we all do) that you dust yourself off and try again. And again.  I pray that you share the love of Christ with others. I aim to focus more on Christ and less on myself. Every morning this is how I will start my day, focusing on Him. This is going to be an incredible year folks. Look around you, take it all in. Every day, every moment, take it in. Cherish it. Embrace it. Love it. Live it. That way you will love to remember it.

See you in 7 days…….jo