So, it's Sunday night, and just as I promised here I am sitting on my couch writing this blog. Not really feeling it, but I couldn't miss the first opportunity to meet my goal! This month was our 2nd IUI and four days ago, we realized it failed. AF was definately relentless on me this time. Physically and emotionally, she showed her true colors. She goes a little over board if you ask me. But as we just came to the realization that this would not be the month that we conceive our precious child that we desire so passionately, God knew it all along. He is in control of absolutely everything. in that, we can find comfort. I have been trying my very best to be closer to God each day this year. So far, so good! It is wonderful to feel His ever present presence and the peace that only He can provide. We were reminded in church this morning that Satan roams over the earth looking for weak ones to devour. It is in my weakness that I can fully understand just how much I need my Savior. If I was strong and self suficient, what place would God have in my life? He made us to be dependent on Him! He wants to help us, He wants us to seek Him. In my strenuous journey of infertility, the one thing that I never fail to do is cry out to God. It's not always sweet words of adoration mind you. Between the fertility drugs and the raging hormones, sometimes our conversations are nothing less than pitiful. It's easy to have a pity party every month when you are let down. Especially when you are surrounded by people passing out pregancy announcements like girl scout cookies. Everybody but you. That is so frustrating. It seems to be getting better with time. I no longer want to strangle them, just smack em. Hard. I remind myself of all the women in the Bible who struggled with infertility. John and Elizabeth are my favorite. I like to call her Liz. Then there is Sara......God bless Sara. So back to what we were reminded about in church this morning. Satan knows us better than we know our selves. He follows us, taking notes. He wants us to believe his sleezy little lies that he whispers in our ear during our weakest moments. He wants us to believe that we aren't good enough to deserve God's blessing. That I don't deserve to conceive and bear a child. Well, you know what I say to that? You are exactly right Satan. I do not deserve God's blessing, actually I never will. Isaiah 54 says that our righteousness is as filthy rags and Paul said in Romans that there is not one that is righteous, not one. So see, Satan is right on that, I will never be deserving of God's blessings, taht is why we have His grace and is unconditional love. God WANTS me to have the desires of my heart and He WANTS me to have whats best for me. His word tells us in Jeremiah that He has special plans for our life. Plans for me to prosper!! So, Satan can go somewhere else with that story! I'm sure he has a plan B for me and equipped with the Word of God and the Holy Spirit in my heart, The Lord and I can handle it. Together, that is the key. The lesson I learned this month while wallowing in my self pity is that this battle is too big for me. Finally, I surrendered to God. I gave up and gave it to God. I won't quit trying mind you. I will simply go to the specialist and do what they say. No more calling the shots, no more worrying, no more google searches. I finally gave my battle to God!! Now, let me tell you that this is a daily task for me. You see, when I wake up, getting pregnant is the first thing I think about. So, I have to say "good morning Lord, here you go this belongs to you today, please give me the strength not to take it back. Thank you for loving me enough to take it, for you already know the outcome. The battle is already won. Amen." This seems like a bunch of meaningless drivel once I poured it all out and for that I do sincerely apologize. Please know that I have so much to be thankful for and I truly am grateful for all that God has blessed me with. If this blog blesses just one person, my mission is accomplished. If not, maybe my grandchildren will know a little more about me when I'm gone. I should give the much needed credit to my devoted husband. How he deals with the mood swings, fits of rage, disappointments, and moments of envy I may never know. He is steadfast though, holding my hand, hugging me tight, and listening with that loving concern in his eye. Lord knew I would need him by my side to enjoy the good times and endure the bad. That is what best friends do. So thankful God saw that I married mine.....
I encourage you whatever, your battle, you are not facing it alone today. As Ephesians 6 tells us, put on the armor of God as you enter the battle. Do not give up! Fight the good fight and finish the race! just remeber that we cannot depend on our on strength!
jo
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